Ask Hal 2000

by Peter Bloch

I know that many have you have missed Hal's column. Just like his sitcoms, Hal's appearances sometimes have to end. However, like a made-for-TV reunion movie, Hal has returned for this special column.

Q: Am I addicted to the Internet? I am on it most of the time. From El Paso

A: If you find yourself wearing those cataract patient oversized wraparound sunglasses that fit over your regular glasses because of monitor eyepain and you scream at the Domino's guy on the phone because he can't send your pizza as an email attachment - you need more time out in the woods.

Q: If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day, but I can't remember what happens in the other part of the saying. From Decatur

A: ...but if you teach him about E-Commerce, he'll get a job that pays more than yours and he'll eat whatever he damn well wants. On the other hand, if you beat him senseless with your Plano tackle box, you won't have to teach him anything.

Q: If I removed my small intestine and stretched it out to its full length, about how long would it be? From Vancouver.

A: As you recoil in horror and scream "ARRGHH-EEK-my intestines are GONE!!!-What was I thinking??!!!" try to resist passing out from the blood loss and pain so that you can learn that it's 20 ft. long.

Q: I got this thing on my neck and it hurts. Should I be worried? From San Diego.

A: It all depends on what the "thing" is. Here's a handy guide:

Q: What have been the most important consumer innovation of the last century? From Saginaw.

A: You'd have to agree that it's the microwave turntable which allows you to laugh mockingly at the Lean Cuisine box telling you to rotate the Swedish meatball entre after half the cooking time, "Not me pal, I've got a turntable! I'm punching in the full 4 minutes."